Self-Care: Ask For What You Need

Self-Care: Ask For What You Need


Life can get incredibly busy with work, kids, errands, chores, appointments, etc.  Time is a precious commodity. Surely, you enjoy spending time with your loved ones, but sometimes the hustle and bustle of life makes it difficult to really sit down and delight in each other. 

Back in the days when codependency marked my relationship, my partner at that time did not require as much quality time together as I did.  It’s just the way they were wired. At the same time, I was operating from a place of insecurity and dependency, so I gravitated toward needing more time with them.

This did not always suit us well. In fact, it was the reason for many arguments and drama days.  I would get tired of “waiting” until we could spend some quality time together, the anger and frustration would build, and then I would take my anger out on her in some way.  I might bring up the topic: “We never get to spend any time together” or I would put a wall up, become distant, and start using a tone.

For someone swinging on the more codependent side of the continuum, how much time is enough to satiate the need? 

Now, in a healthy relationship, two independent people may simply go to each other stating that they’d like to spend some quality time together. This is the mature, healthy way. No games.  No drama. No resentment.

If you need some quality time, you simply go to your partner in a loving way and ask for it.

It’s alright to have wants and needs. Partners should want to spend quality time together. As long as you’re coming from a healthy place, ask for what you want and need.

Learn to say, “Hey, I’m missing you. Can I see you tonight?”  or “Baby, I need a hug.” It’s alright to have and speak these desires. This has helped me tremendously.

And, let’s not forget that if you’re struggling with codependency characteristics, your partner may struggle with being emotionally available. So, as you speak what you want and need, this gives your partner an opportunity to step it up and BE THERE emotionally. Be present (because they may have the tendency to be in their own world or very independent).

Asking for what you need is necessary in a relationship. If it’s a healthy one, needs within reason ought to be able to be met by each partner. There ought to be a willingness for both parties to speak and perform each other’s preferred love language.  If there isn’t, the relationship will likely suffer.

  • What are your needs?
  • Are you able to tell your partner what your needs are?
  • Are your needs within reason?
  • Is your partner willing to listen to you and at least try to act according to your love language?

(Feel free to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. EXCELLENT BOOK!)

Think about what it is you need in your relationship. Maybe it’s as simple as a hug once a day or a passionate kiss once in a while. Perhaps it’s help with the children and housework or quality time away from the kids once every couple of weeks.  Maybe you need a silent retreat once a month or a weekend get-away together.

Maybe you just need to feel seen and heard by your partner.

Whatever it is, speak it. Here’s your permission to ask for what you want and need in a sweet and genuine way.

Dominica Applegate
Written by: Dominica Applegate

Dominica Applegate is an author, writer, and transpersonal spiritual teacher. Her teachings have helped millions of people experience emotional healing, relationship repair, and spiritual awakening. Earning her BA in Psychology and MA in Counseling, she worked 12 years in the mental health field before diving full-time into writing.

She runs Rediscovering Sacredness, an online portal that offers inspiration, essays, resources, and tools to help heal inner pain and experience more peace and joy.

Her books include Recycle Your Pain: It Has a Purpose, Into The Wild Shadow Work Journal, and a collection of poetry entitled, The Pain, It Shapes Her World.