Let Go Of Your “Not-So-Good-Enough” Self

None of our childhoods were perfect. Sure, many of us had good childhoods with loving parents.  But perfection in the way that all of our wants and needs were met?

Nah. Didn’t happen.

So, we grow up with some wounds. Some emotional feelings like sadness, anger, and shame.  In fact, shame is a feeling state that plagues society, especially here in America. It’s also been around since the time of Adam and Eve when they ate the forbidden fruit, and ashamedly hid from God.

I’m not talking about guilt. Guilt means you feel bad about something.

Shame means YOU feel bad. Flawed. Not good enough.

Now, as we commit to this emotional healing journey as we live out our lives on planet Earth, we must continually assess whether we’ve got wounds to heal.  Whether we’ve got yet another wound or deeper wound to work on, because there tends to be layers.

And, healing comes in stages. It’s a process and as you probably know, change takes time. Changes occurs in stages.

Not Feeling Good Enough Stinks

So, this feeling of not being good enough. It sucks. It ruins a lot of peoples’ days and drives their partners and spouses cray-cray.

• “Ah man, nothing ever works out for me. I suck at this!”
• “I’m such a screw up!”
• “Things will never be as I want them to be.”
• “Great. Rejected again.”
• “Everyone always leaves me.”

You ever think or say those things?

If so, chances are you’ve got an old wound or wounds knocking on your door asking you to notice and get busy with another round of healing.  You’re overidentifying with a feeling of shame.  And, as those negative thoughts run in your subconscious, you’re actually attracting people and circumstances that will affirm those thoughts!

Now What?

So, you know you’re feeling not good enough more than you want.  Now what? How do we go about healing this?

You keep learning. You stay on the codependency recovery path.  You assess, apply what you learn, and get up if you fall. 

I’m going to give you some helpful tips right now to get you started on dealing with this feeling of not being good enough. Then, the next article will introduce you to your “inner child” and “inner child healing”. Don’t be freaked out. “Inner child” is just a concept used by therapists to help people heal emotionally. And, it’s very effective!

Now, regarding this feeling of “not being good enough”, here’s some helpful information to help you heal that wound.

1. Understand that this part of you isn’t the real YOU.

These thoughts, which lead to emotions or feelings…. are not the real you. Not the core part of you. Not the spirit part of you that’s an extension of God. (which is the real you, by the way).

No, this “I’m not good enough” part of you is a belief system that was created in your psyche somewhere along your life journey, and when you can start to look at that “false” part of yourself, you’re on the journey toward healing. When you start to face that part of you, you’re treading forward on the hero’s journey!

2. Feel it to heal it

If a bat got into your house and was flying around, wouldn’t you do whatever you had to do to get it out of your house?  You might open all the doors and windows and try to get it to fly out. You might swat at it and try to kill it, which I don’t recommend. Or, you may stop freaking out, realize that the bat is not a predator trying to kill you. It simply flew into a nice, warm dwelling and is all confused, flying around like crazy.  It wants out too! So, you could calm down, open all exit ways, and prod that thing out of your home.

Maybe this isn’t the best analogy, but I want you to see that you are not your feelings of “I’m not good enough”. That part of you isn’t out to destroy you (though it might feel like it at times). And, you can relax and prod that part of you out of your inner home.

How?

Feel those feelings.

So many people run from negative feelings. Some people numb them through alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food, etc.

But to heal such faulty feelings or emotional states, research states that you’ve got to actually re-feel those feelings in order to begin healing them. (More on that in additional articles)

3. Start piecing together your history

To really begin feeling those feelings, we will start piecing together your history to start poking around to see how you picked up those thoughts or beliefs. We start looking at your memories, your family history, the stories you’ve been telling yourself (and maybe others) about your life.  We start looking at reality and getting very honest.

This is what occurs in therapy.  You go back and talk about your childhood or traumatic events.  You get in there and “do the work” or remembering, sharing, and getting really honest with yourself.  Even if you don’t have an incident specific traumatic event, you most likely still have some chronic stress that you had to endure.  Maybe you were on “fight or flight” mode all throughout middle and high school, always on high alert. Maybe Mom and Dad fought like cats and dogs and you walked around on egg shells from the time you could walk.

Don’t think that doesn’t come back to mess with you later.

Some people deal with feeling their negative emotions via meditation.  This can certainly be helpful. A wonderful book to read that can help you work on your healing the “not good enough self” is The Presence Process by Michael Brown.

GREAT BOOKS ALERT:  The Presence Process by Michael Brown

4. Let the “Not Good Enough Self” go

I heard one therapist say in order to heal emotions, you need three things:

• Trust
• Talk
• Tears

In your healing work, you will come to stage where you will say goodbye to that part of you. It might not be as easy as you think. I know you’ve lugged that part of you around for many years.  But, I assure you that with some practice and perhaps some accountability (like a good therapist), you’ll be able to do this.

You’ll be able to stop telling the stories of your awful childhood or that traumatic situation. You’ll be able to live more in the present and be excited about your future. You’ll feel less inner rage, anxiety, and depression too, because those types of emotions feed on that “not-good-enough” part of you.

And then, once you say goodbye to that part of you, calling back your AUTHENTIC self. Tapping into your true spirit….the one God created you to enjoy….

Who will you be then?

How will you show up then?

Does this scare you? Who are you without identifying with that wounded self?

Now, this does frighten some people. They’ve become quite comfortable connected to that “not-good-enough self”. They’ve gotten used to their comfort zone or the darkness that comes along with being in the shadow.

I remember days wondering who I was as a “good enough” person. I remember feeling anxious and scared, feeling as if any minute that “not-good-enough” part of me would pounce on me, eager to get back into center stage.

But rather than freak out, how about remembering your commitment to growth – personal and spiritual? How about reminding yourself that peace, joy, and well, better things show up when you can ditch yet another layer of the “faulty emotional belief system”.

5. Invite God’s grace to help

You might need some help. I know I did. Invite God’s grace (unmerited favor) in. Ask whatever your Higher Power is for help. You need to get through something? The storm of the shame? The grief of those unhealed wounds?

Do your part (which is your inner healing work) and ask God to help you with the rest, because God is the master at revealing to us our true nature – our spiritual nature that has been born of God! That expansion of God (yes, we came from somewhere, right?)!

Shame announces us guilty or lacking, but God announces us redeemed and pure. Full of potential.

Bet and believe there’s some peace, joy, and adventure on the other side of shame, dear friends. There’s a different reality than the one you’ve been hiding away in.

Shame or the “not-good-enough” feeling, is a human emotion that is among the more destructive. It can cause us to numb out, shut down, eat our feelings, lash out in anger, pick up a stiff drink, or run for the door!!!

I’m thinking of my relationship at times on that one! (“Where’s the door? OMG, I can’t breathe. I can’t do this!!”) Oh, come on, I bet some of you have thought those same things. (wink, wink)

These feelings of shame have got to go. I’m adamant about continuing to learn how to overcome shame and build a mighty high fortress against it.

So, as you continue to do your emotional healing work, here are some helpful tips and resources to check out. Remember, we’re diverse. What works for me might not work for you, so go within and see what you resonate with. I once did a sweat lodge, hearing a bunch of hoopla about how amazing it was for healing.

I lasted 5 minutes.  It was crazy H.O.T. I like to sweat, but I thought my heart was going to bust out of my chest. I learned that a sweat lodge was not my path to healing real quick.

So, let’s recap what I’ve mentioned:

• You are not your wounds.
• You can learn to let go of that not-good-enough self. (Inner child healing is one way we’ll discuss)
• Understand that this part of you isn’t the real YOU.
• Feel it to heal it
• Start piecing together your history
• Actually let it go
• Invite God’s grace to help

We’re in this life together, and my hope and prayer is that we can all get to the place where we can be free from that “I’m not enough” part of us that keeps us stuck in the mud. We can rise feeling GOOD ENOUGH, because we really are! 

I know we’re not perfect, and it’s not perfection we’re after. But we are after the TRUTH.  We are after authenticity. We are after being able to show up for ourselves and others as loving, faith-filled people who are emotionally whole enough to rise and shine God’s kind of love in a world that desperately needs it.

So let’s.

XOXO

P.S.

Here are some Getting Rid Of Shame Experts & Resources. Be sure to check them out to learn more about overcoming shame.

Brene Brown
Marsha Linehan, PhD      
Kelly McGonigal, PhD      
Ron Siegel, PsyD
Joan Borysenko, PhD      
Bill O’Hanlon, LMFT
Stephen Porges, PhD
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT  
Peter Levine, PhD 
Bessel van der Kolk, PhD  
Pat Ogden, PhD