Don’t Text Your Feelings!
Don’t Text Your Feelings:
Ask For What You Need
I express myself better in writing, especially when it comes to communicating how I feel. This might be alright for a blog or casual conversation, but when it comes to trying to communicate serious feelings to my partner, texting is not the greatest idea.
When I was in a toxic relationship, I could not communicate in person when I was having a problem. The thought of conflict that would come as a result scared the heck out of me.
I hated conflict!
So, I tended to text my strong feelings when I was irked or wanted to bring something up that wasn’t settling well with me, which never ended up going very well. I won’t go into details, but I assure you that if you’re wanting to talk about something important, the best way to communicate that issue is in person – not via text.
Even if you are sweating, shaking in your shoes, and you stutter your words out, try to share your concerns in person. Let your partner know this is a struggle for you and ask them to be patient.
Healthy relationships are founded upon solid, open, and honest communication, so if you want a healthy relationship, you must put forth effort into learning good communication tools.
A very easy thing to remember is to start off your conversations with this statement:
“I feel….” When you do this, you own your feeling.
Do NOT start like this: “You make me feel….” When you to this, you are trying to pin your emotions on your partner. You are responsible for your emotions.
Also, try not to use the words “always” and “never” when communicating your feelings. They are irrational words and hardly ever true when it comes to the topic you are addressing. Safe words are “sometimes” or “occasionally”.
For example, you could say, “Sometimes you speak to me in a rude tone and when you do, I feel devalued.”
If you send that sentence in a text, your partner has no idea if you are angry, sad, or just matter of fact. This is one reason it is not wise to text such things. Face to face you can calmly state your feeling to your partner, which hopefully will prompt a calm response.
I found that taking some time to process things would help me to get an adequate perspective before I tried to engage in a conversation. If I just jumped right on texting when I was angry, (and I did) nothing good ever got accomplished.
Makes me wonder what we did when there were no cell phones.
Do your best to refrain from texting when trying to resolve issues. If your partner does this, sit down and have a calm discussion. State your wants and needs when it comes to conflict resolution and do your best at following through with your plan.
I wasted so much time texting my feelings and got nowhere. Whole days went by text, text, texting! By the end of the day we’d be exhausted and nothing got resolved. We simply put more wedges in the relationship.
“Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.” ~Anonymous
- Do you have a hard time setting up boundaries and keeping them?
- What boundaries of yours get crossed frequently?
- Make a list of your boundaries and keep them handy to serve as a reminder that you won’t allow anyone to cross them anymore.
- Here is a great lesson on setting boundaries by expert Pia Mellody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bk_SG2QD4E
Dominica Applegate is an author, writer, and transpersonal spiritual teacher. Her teachings have helped millions of people experience emotional healing, relationship repair, and spiritual awakening. Earning her BA in Psychology and MA in Counseling, she worked 12 years in the mental health field before diving full-time into writing.
She runs Rediscovering Sacredness, an online portal that offers inspiration, essays, resources, and tools to help heal inner pain and experience more peace and joy.
Her books include Recycle Your Pain: It Has a Purpose, Into The Wild Shadow Work Journal, and a collection of poetry entitled, The Pain, It Shapes Her World.