Aha Moments & Why I’m Writing Again

2020 has been intense in various ways for me. Actually, I think we can all agree globally, there’s a lot of chaos going on. There’s no doubt at this time in our conscious evolution as a collective that we’re experiencing many things that could hurl us into fear or doubt.

But I do believe Love conquers fear, so hold onto that for when you’re struggling.

I’ve often said throughout my life that I’m a late bloomer, spiritually speaking.  I look back on my life and think, “Wow. I thought I was awake, but man, was I sleeping!” 

Some people come on the planet more spiritually evolved. I can’t deny that. Just look at some of the youth that have profound insight and spiritual wisdom that some of us in middle age and beyond marvel at.  There are a lot of reasons why, but the reasons aren’t so important. I just love it that they’re here, they’re seekers, and they’re part of the collective light workers spreading love on the planet.

Life As A Journey

In a perfect world, we’d all come here as babies and have a set of time-tested plans that would teach us how to grow up on all levels nicely. Or, our parents would have them!

Emotionally, just do this and this and you’ll experience peace and happiness. Spiritually, just do this and that and you’ll wake up, become enlightened, and experience an even deeper level of peace and bliss.

Like, a route that helped us avoid pain, suffering, disillusionment, etc.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Oh, there are lots of paths and teachings for growing up.  It’s just that everyone is at different levels of consciousness, has different childhood experiences, various tools and skillsets, cultural differences, etc.

I can only speak for me, but I went through a lot of years sleeping spiritually and writhing in internal pain. I’ve already shared much of that in writings.

But the last couple of years, something has been happening on the inside. I’ve been practicing contemplation and meditation much more consistently. It’s become a practice and a way of life, and I’m here to tell you, it’s made a huge difference in my conscious evolution.

My spiritual growth. My connection to myself, Divine Intelligence (God), and others.

From Me To Us To Everyone

If there’s one thing I’ve known about myself over the years is that I can tend to be selfish in some areas – especially in the area of time.  Growing up, according to Attachment Theory, I formed an “anxious-avoidant” attachment to my caregivers.  Essentially, this means I wanted and needed attention and emotional connection from my parents, but I didn’t get it as I should have.

That created anxiousness, and as a coping mechanism, I stuffed a lot of feelings. I split from my emotions, (avoidant) and as an adult, didn’t really want to share them in a deep way with others.

Well, it’s not that I intentionally avoided bonding. It’s just that I had no idea how to be authentic, bond, and share deep connections with others. I was essentially acting out what I learned in childhood.

It’s like I stayed stuck in an egocentric worldview, where “I” was my primary concern.

• I need to be in control.
• I need to take care of everything.
• I need to be the best.
• I need affirmation, and I’ll do what I need to get it.
• I want this. I want that.
• And on and on.

Enter The Church

Until I found religion, that is.  In my mid-20’s, I started attending church, which helped me quite a bit. I did begin learning and growing, moving from an egocentric (me-centered) to an ethnocentric worldview. (us-centered)

God was my hero, the Bible my instruction plan, Jesus my Savior, and fellow Christians my tribe. Bet and believe I was in hook, line, and sinker. And it felt great, for a while.

But I was still swimming in an inner sea of depression and confusion.

Where was this God that others were experiencing?  Where was this big revival that everyone was talking about?

I just couldn’t feel much at all.

I remember one evening, probably around 30 year’s old, pulling over on the side of the road and bawling my eyes out. In the church, I was a leader, quite involved in ministry. I was loyal, dedicated, and sold out for Jesus.

But I had been slowly dying inside for years. This emotional balloon inside was about to bust.

In The Desert

Eventually, it did bust.

Long story short, I left the church in the midst of a tremendously dark season of my life. Eventually, beginning a spiritual path. A conscious evolution path.

To read more about my story at that time in life, go HERE.

I left the busy church world for the barren desert, figurately speaking.

The desert is quiet, which for me, was a godsend.  Rather than turn to external things or people, I really did make a conscious effort to start going within for meditation, contemplation, and prayer.

Except, going within consistently isn’t all that easy. We talk a lot about meditation and prayer, but in all honesty, not that many people PRACTICE it regularly. They THINK they do (because I thought I did), but tally up energy and time, and you’d be surprised.

In the desert, I came to a more worldcentric perspective of life, meaning I no longer thought that just Christians were going to be saved or go to heaven or have God’s favor.

Rather, I came to know that I accepted all humans, regardless of their religion, beliefs, sexuality, culture, etc.  This meant whether they were Christian, Buddhist, Catholic, Hindu, Atheist, etc., I felt they were my brothers and sisters, and cared for them; no judgment.

A Commitment To A Path And Practice

This life journey is something, huh?  Here I am nearing 50 and still have many questions.

But, and I want to say this is a pretty big but…

The inner work, the inner healing work, the learning, the getting silent, regular meditation, surrender, humility, etc., has all along been lifting the veil for me…the veil that separates dark from light. Separation from connection.  Misery to Love.

I’m experiencing some mighty big “aha” moments this year so far – and not just me. Many others too all over the world.

Whereas I’ve spent a lot of time isolating and continually working on healing my inner wounds in recent years, a shift has occurred.

The kind of shift that causes me to view life – my life, other’s lives, and the cosmic, evolutionary consciousness itself – in a new, most fascinating way. A new perspective.

I want to mention a couple of these moments or revelations in particular that helped me, hoping that you’ll get something out of them.

The Enneagram

One, was learning about the Enneagram, which is a “system of personality types that describes patterns in how people conceptualize and manage their emotions.”

Basically, this means your personality type.  Up till just recently, if I had to describe my personality, I’d say things like, “I’m an introvert” and “I like to read” and leave it at that.  And, there was always something in me that thought I should be more like the extroverts. Our society tends to applaud those much more.

What I found was that out of the 9 enneagram types, I am primarily a 5. 

When I learned more about this personality type – the positive and negative (unhealthy) characteristics, I breathed the deepest breath. I felt like I came home to my true self and ACCEPTED me more fully than I ever have before. 

Enneagram 5

A very brief intro to the 5 from the Enneagram Institute

“Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation.

At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.”

What I love about the way the Enneagram Institute describes the numbers is that they share the unhealthy, as well as the healthy traits.  I could go through the description and see just where I was in various traits – and what I needed to work on.

And, I gave myself permission NOT to have to be the other numbers on the spectrum and accept and love them regardless of what they are or are not expressing characteristic-wise.

I’ll post more about the Enneagram soon. For now, you may want to check it out to see what number you are primarily!

The Enneagram Institute

Another Aha Moment

Because I can tend to isolate, I decided to find my local tribe gatherings and commit to connecting in the community.  I happened to find an amazing group of like-minded, spiritually evolving people and look forward to growing with them as the collective, reaching those in need of Love.

And this brings me to my greatest “aha” moment lately.  Understanding the reality that I am truly part of a collective whole…that includes other humans, the Earth, and the cosmos. I am one with this universal divine intelligence (God).

I am ONE with God!

I am not my ego…I am not my body…

I am spirit, created by this creative, mysterious, omnipresent LIFE FORCE…

And this life force, this divine intelligence is part of me, living through me, as itself.

The driving force? Divine Love. 

Love for self, love and compassion for all of humanity and conscious evolution, or what some call a “cosmocentric perspective”. This means I drop the ego, identifying with my authentic connection with God, caring for all sentient beings, and all life forms here on Earth, without exception.

This revelation, this progressing of the stages of consciousness and/or spiritual growth, is worth the effort, ya’ll. I’m telling you.

I don’t have it all figured out, and never will, but I don’t have to. What I do know is that I’m meant to share my story, my life story, to help others. I took the last couple years off from writing personally, which I feel was necessary.

But now?

I read something that I think Barbara Marx Hubbard or Marc Gafni said:

You feel a powerful sense of responsibility—more powerful than anything you have ever felt before—to live your story, to live the unique God-story that lives only and exclusively as you.

I cried and cried when I read that. This is how I feel. This is what I commit more and more to, living, and sharing my story…the unique God-story that lives in and through me, to help humanity at this critical time in history.

The Golden Age Of Consciousness

We are in the golden age of consciousness. A new era of human civilization, where many are looking at the current chaos and crisis as an OPPORTUNITY to usher in a civilization that we’ve never known before since the beginning of this one.

Hubbard says we have an evolutionary spiral showing us the way.

How exciting!

But let’s not just revel in new revelations.

Let’s continue to go within, heal, connect, and be active light workers at home, at work, in the stores, neighborhoods, and world at large.

I’m committed.

Are you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and more specifically, what number you are on the Enneagram.

As well as what stage of consciousness you think you’re in:

• Egocentric? (I)
• Ethnocentric? (Us four and no more)
• Worldcentric? (All of us around the world)
• Cosmocentric? (Everything united)

Leave a comment below.