No More Crumbs
I Will Not Settle For Crumbs Anymore!
Hey recovering codependents! Here’s a new mantra for ya!
Say it with me:
“I will not settle for crumbs anymore!”
Feels good, huh?
Now, I’m talking relationships here, friends. I mean we will not settle for others tossing us a few crumbs here or there when it comes to emotional engagement. We will not allow those in our lives that cannot or will not reciprocate emotionally feed us scraps any longer.
This means your lover, friends, family members, co-workers, and so on.
This means that guy who you really like, and somewhere in your head you’ve created this fantasy that he’s totally into you. Yet, he only throws you a few crumbs here or there, only after you’ve slyly chased after him (meeting him at the water cooler so-to-speak or sent him that text like, “Hey, do you know….?) time and time again.
Honey, the reality is he’s not available or simply not interested, and guess what.
You’re not settling for crumbs anymore!!
What’s your radar picking up?
If you’re privy to codependent characteristics (over-giving, caretaking, enabling, just-plain-caring-too-much), chances are your radar picks up on some people who just aren’t emotionally available. Their waters don’t run very deep. They’re more interested in what you can give them than they can give you.
Now don’t get me wrong. These people are not “bad”. They’re not “wrong”. Actually, these people are PLAYERS in your game of life. ACTORS in your life play, giving you opportunity to heal some old wounds and step into YOUR POWER. If they weren’t in your life, you wouldn’t have the opportunity darling! (Think of that next time you want to scream “You A-Hole!” to someone who blows you off, lies to you, disappears, or breaks your heart.)
Heading into 2018
This New Year, commit to valuing yourself above what anyone else thinks. Commit to investing in relationships with those who can (and want to) reciprocate emotionally and time-wise. Those that can mirror your awesome-ness!
Commit to No More Crumbs!
How can you do this? Well, first, notice when you’re falling into old patterns. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Are you calling up your girlfriends and blabbing about how Mark or Jenny is causing you distress? How hurt you are that they did or didn’t do what you thought they should?
Catch it then, and draw a line in the sand. You don’t have to go on rants about them, because that drains your energy. You don’t have to continue to settle. You don’t have to make all the effort to keep the relationship going. You no longer have to live like you are invisible!
Have a conversation with those people, and tell them the truth. Or don’t have a conversation and simply focus less and less energy on that friendship. Instead, focus on those that can and will reciprocate.
Keep your mind strong
You may need some help mentally, so if you must, print out some affirmations, mottos, etc. Watch some inspiring videos. Read books. Attend workshops, and remind yourself of YOUR INHERENT WORTH. Remind yourself that you do not have to settle for crumbs anymore!
Remind yourself that you don’t have to hide, you don’t have to try to figure out what’s going on in everyone else’s minds (Does she like me? I wonder if he wants to hang out.)
Remind yourself that you’re not going to make up some fantasy friendship or relationship in your mind anymore.
Remind yourself that no person will ever be able to reciprocate that unconditional love that you craved from your parents, so stop expecting them to.
Remind yourself that caring is alright, but “over-caring” is not. Those that need rescued, jump in the pool and bring them to the shore, and then let them go! You do not have to attach yourself to them. Give them a towel and let them go!
No more trying to prove your worth any longer.
You’re worthy. Say it a thousand times a day if you must.
You’re no longer looking at others to validate your worth. You are whole and complete in God.
You’re trying to keep a relationship with someone who’s checked out? (Narcissist, addict, selfish, shallow person?)
Move it along. Let go of that grip. You’re no longer going to attract those who relate in an avoidant attachment style.
You’re not afraid to be alone. You’re never alone, and if you live alone, so what? You’re strong. You’re courageous.
And you’re a survivor!
“Release old stories and create from a place of love and self-validation.” Buddha
“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.”
A psalm by King David
Dominica Applegate is an author, writer, and transpersonal spiritual teacher. Her teachings have helped millions of people experience emotional healing, relationship repair, and spiritual awakening. Earning her BA in Psychology and MA in Counseling, she worked 12 years in the mental health field before diving full-time into writing.
She runs Rediscovering Sacredness, an online portal that offers inspiration, essays, resources, and tools to help heal inner pain and experience more peace and joy.
Her books include Recycle Your Pain: It Has a Purpose, Into The Wild Shadow Work Journal, and a collection of poetry entitled, The Pain, It Shapes Her World.