For the curious, here’s a longer story of just how I got here…
I grew up in a small town in NW Pennsylvania, in a home where alcoholism, clinical depression, and codependency were present. My parents loved me, but their inner struggles caused them to be somewhat absent emotionally. They didn’t do the “inner healing work”, passing on some of their wounds onto me.
I say this to help you understand the initial framework of my life and maybe get you curious about yours.
I spent my childhood and young adulthood doing what most kids do – playing with friends. I was carrying plenty of trauma, but largely unaware of it. Sure, I felt mildly depressed at times, but for the most part, I was simply doing what society taught me to do:
Many of you can probably relate.
I got married at 21 and had three amazing children. I got quite involved in the church and life seemed pretty good for a while.
Moving into my 30’s, the weight of unresolved trauma was driving me deeper into depression.
Turns out a degree in psychology (book knowledge) didn’t do much for helping me with inner healing.
Wounds festered in the shadow-side of my ego, causing me to live in quiet desperation – all while wearing a mask that screamed, “All is well.”
You ever do that?
Feel like you’re dying inside, but wear a mask that lets everyone think that your fine?
In my mid-30’s, as the kids turned into teens, I began to feel like I had no real purpose anymore. They were becoming independent and didn’t need momma so much.
I wasn’t happy in my marriage. I wasn’t happy in my personal or spiritual life. I enjoyed church, but had no relationship with a mighty God.
My picture perfect life was crashing.
So, I started looking elsewhere for some sort of happiness – and this started a series of choices that really tripped me up emotionally.
First, I left my husband.
Then, I jumped right into a new relationship, which ended up being toxic.
It was not fun.
I thought my decisions would help me feel happier, but that was a façade.
My teens were very hurt, angry, and decided that they wanted to live with their father.
And the day they left is the day hell stormed my world.
I’d had it.
The pain of losing my children settled in my bones and there I was on the bathroom floor gushing the first wave of tears from a lifetime of wounds.
I was speechless. Breathless.
Moving out? No. Oh my God, NOOO! Nauseated and dizzy, I crumbled to the floor, the cool tiles meeting my fragility. I drew my knees tightly to my chest and heaved monstrous moanings of brokenness.
It’s not supposed to turn out this way! I can’t be apart from my kids!
I can’t be alone! I can’t live like this!
Deep sobs convulsed my body and I regressed into a helpless, traumatized little girl. I kept babbling, “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!”
After what seemed like ages, I rose and tried to gather myself. My fingers slowly traced the outline of my face in the mirror. I noticed each curve, wrinkle, and the way my eyes looked hollow.
I tightened my brows and looked deeper into my eyes, thinking just maybe I’d see something worth salvaging in my matted soul. Something to signal that there was hope.
Please, God. I need a sign.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and for a split second, I felt a sense of hope. A glimpse of redemption.
Then, the memories returned.
After all, unattended wounds don’t always heal. Love starved little girls don’t always grow up. Traumatized children may detach from emotion, but the pain?
It grazes in the heart pasture year after year.
I walked out of that bathroom feeling utterly alone and broken, thinking that I would never be able to climb out from such deep despair.
Little did I know that it was then that the emotional breakdown I was experiencing was actually the beginning of something greater…
A spiritual quest.
A journey to heal childhood trauma and discover who I truly was under the masks of ego; under all that parents and society had taught me that I was.
A journey to dive deep and REALLY begin to connect to the Divine within.
A journey to discover my voice and use my story to help others do the same.
A New Chapter
Everyone has a story.
We all encounter pain through the years and though we may run from it, disconnect from it, or try to numb it out – that pain serves a purpose.
It seeks our undivided attention.
That pain lives in what Carl Jung called “the shadow” part of our psyche or ego – comprised of a lifetime of thoughts, beliefs, memories, trauma, and more.
You see, I didn’t consciously discover my shadow-side. I wasn’t even remotely looking for it.
The deepest kind of darkness came barging through my door during my mid-life crisis at age 37.
I thought I was entering a season of newfound freedom to authentically be “me”…
Except it’s hard to feel free and happy when you’re lugging around what Robert Bly calls, “the long bag we drag behind us”.
Fortunately, several people came into my life that steered me in the direction of inner healing work.
I couldn’t afford therapy at the time, so I bucked up and started a self-directed healing journey.
⇒ I read lots of books, watched tons of videos, and attended codependency support group meetings.
⇒ I began learning about mindfulness and meditation, trying it on for size here and there.
⇒ I learned that I had a lifetime of repressed negative emotions that got stuck in my energy body.
⇒ That I picked up codependent ways of relating just like my mother had.
⇒ That I had never learned how to communicate in healthy ways.
⇒ I learned that book knowledge does not equal heart-opening.
⇒ And, I learned that inner healing is not linear. It has its ups and downs and involves various levels.
Welcome Home Children
Before I move on, I do want to share that my teens slowly came back into my life within a year of them cutting ties. They had a lot to process, and the pain cut them very deep. However, that time in their lives also helped them learn a lot of valuable life lessons that today, they freely share. They admit that the challenges of that time hurt like hell, but it also made them stronger, wiser, and more loving and accepting.
Goodbye Toxic Relationship
I knew from the get-go that I was in a toxic relationship just after my divorce. The problem was that I felt so broken, ashamed, and weak that I didn’t have the courage to end it. I’d become emotionally dependent on that partner and every time I tried to leave, the fear of abandonment kicked my butt.
But that didn’t stop me from continuing to learn and grow.
After 5 years, I finally ended that relationship for good. It was hard, but I knew I wanted to continue to heal and get to know myself – and truly come to love me!
I continued my spiritual journey reading, meditating some, and becoming friends with like-minded people on the spiritual path.
I began devouring information on the law of attraction, Buddhism, and science of mind. I wanted to learn how to attract GOOD and HEALTHY things into my life.
Life started to get better. I felt more confident and hopeful.
I was taking time to be single to allow for more healing.
Through my 40’s, my journey led me to a deep dive learning more about codependency, attachment theory, shadow work, meditation, the new sciences, and conscious relationships.
I also took some time to see a trauma therapist to finally work on healing some childhood wounds that had been festering.
If there’s one thing I could say to anyone reading this, it’s this:
Do whatever it takes to get yourself to a really great therapist if you’re struggling, and especially if you’ve experienced childhood trauma. I wish I would have started my inner healing work decades before I did.
And this brings me to now.
Today, I tell a new story.
I’m no longer a love-starved, fearful little girl. I’m no longer afraid to be who I really am. I’ve flung off the masks and show up just as I am, flaws, quirks, and all.
I’ve allowed God (Grace, Love) in and my heart is open. I believe at my core, I am a beautiful, compassionate, radiant spirit worthy of a fantastic life.
Today, I view life differently – with sacredness at the core. God, this infinite energy that resonates at the frequency of DIVINE LOVE, is helping me stand up as a powerful woman, sharing my story in the hopes that others will be inspired and make changes in their own lives for the better.
My breakdown was hard, but it was also the springboard for the beginning of a beautiful spiritual awakening and transformation that is still in process.
It has taught me that we are all here to REDISCOVER OUR SACREDNESS.
Today, I truly have a blessed life.
I have family and friends who love me unconditionally. I have a rewarding career. Most days, life is pretty darn good.
Do I still have struggles? Sure, I do, and that’s alright.
But I’ve learned how to work through them as they arise with a repertoire of tools and supportive people.
My story is uniquely mine, and I enjoy sharing my lows and highs with others who may be inspired to do their own inner healing work. And, create a life that they truly desire.
So, my call to you is to stick around. Get honest with yourself and get busy doing your inner healing work.
Sit with your grief for a moment and let Divine Love heal it. Sit with your feelings of emptiness or fear or rage and refuse to numb out or run from them.
Open your heart and let God/Divine Love in.
Deep dive into your inner world and see what needs tended to, so that you can heal your mind, body, and align spiritually with a loving Creator.
You are worthy of a great life, and this is exactly what I’m believing for you.
Sending you so much love,
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